I’m a movie geek, and like all geeks, I’m at least a little bit of a snob. I find it easy to pooh-pooh Hollywood’s reliance on sequels, remakes, reboots and TV adaptations as evidence of the dearth of good, original ideas.
However, us pooh-poohers are hypocrites in a way, because we all have at least one decidedly un-original project we’d like to see on a very big screen.
For me, it’s an adaptation of my favorite childhood TV show, which lived on for years in reruns and TV reunion movies. It’s a project with tremendous appeal to my now middle-aged generation and I think that the action and sci-fi-loving youth of today will also enjoy it. As a matter of fact, there have been numerous efforts over the years to mount a film adaptation of the series, albeit with a (necessary) title change. It hasn’t happened yet, despite the whining of fans such as I.
No movie will ever match the one running in my head, of course, but seeing some bionic action onscreen and hearing that theme song would really do the eight-year-old within some good.
I’d share my vision of the whole film with you, but I know how attention spans are these – hey, let’s go ride our bikes!
I’d also love to make an animated fan-trailer but I just couldn’t do it without the theme song, and with that comes copyright issues. So you’ll just have to read and imagine.
For the uninitiated, this is written in a fairly old-fashioned screenplay format. O.S. means “Offscreen.”
Here’s the script for my fantasy movie trailer.
ESTABLISHING SHOT:
The edge of Earth’s atmosphere, looking down at the planet. The words “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall…” appear onscreen as the roar of rocket engines are heard approaching. A very fast aircraft is then seen streaking through the air.
INT. AIRCRAFT COCKPIT, DAY:
STEVE AUSTIN, a U.S. Air Force pilot (Ryan Reynolds), adjusts the controls of the aircraft as he speaks with ground control.
AUSTIN
All systems normal, ground control.
INTERIOR, GROUND CONTROL HEADQUARTERS
Many people are sitting and standing around computer and video monitors, monitoring AUSTIN’s flight. The GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL, a middle-aged balding man in a short-sleeved shirt and tie talks to AUSTIN.
GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL
We read you, Colonel Austin. Good work.
AUSTIN
Hey, when we take this thing to Mars, can you make sure I’m on board?
GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL (Grins)
We’ll see about it. For now, just get home in one piece.
AUSTIN
That’s the plan.
The craft starts to shake and one of its engines appears to be misfiring.
AUSTIN
Starboard engine acting strange.
GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL
We’re watching it. Hang on.
A technician in Ground Control gets the official’s attention and points to his computer screen.
TECHNICIAN
We’ve lost the starboard engine, Now the port side is failing!
GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL
Steve! Are you there?
Inside the cockpit, AUSTIN pushes various buttons but appears calm.
AUSTIN
I’ve lost throttle…
A technician stands up and points to a large monitor, showing the craft tumbling toward earth, apparently catching on fire. Everyone in the room stands up to watch.
GROUND CONTROL OFFICIAL
Steve, eject now!
AUSTIN
She’s breaking up! She’s breaking…
Everyone watches in horror as the craft explodes far above Earth’s surface.
DESERT, EXTERIOR, DAY
A parachute with a limp, damaged human figure attached is seen descending to earth. The words, “Humpty Dumpty had a great fall” appear onscreen.
INT. MILITARY HOSPITAL, SURGERY WING, DAY
A group of doctors work frantically on AUSTIN. Behind a glass partition, OSCAR (Morgan Freeman) watches the surgery. Next to him stands a doctor.
OSCAR
How bad?
DOCTOR
Two concussions. One arm and most of his rib cage crushed. His left eye and both legs are gone. He’s lucky to be breathing.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, DAY
AUSTIN lies in a hospital bed, heavily bandaged, with monitoring machines beeping. The words, “All the king’s horses, and all the king’s men…” appear.
OSCAR stands before a group of government officials in a conference room.
OSCAR
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
MONTAGE:
Shots of AUSTIN in surgery having various mechanical devices attached to him as the opening theme music, a pumped-up version of the one used in the series, begins.
OSCAR (V.O.)
We have the technology.
INT. TESTING FACILITY, DAY
AUSTIN, a few minor cuts, bandages and stitches still on his face, sits on a table in a hospital gown. He holds up his right arm, which is now an uncovered bionic limb, and moves his mechanical fingers. He is astonished and fascinated.
OSCAR (V.O.)
We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man.
AUSTIN kicks a thick brick wall, obviously put there for the test, breaking a huge hole in it as OSCAR, DR WELLS (Dan Aykroyd) and some others look on.
OSCAR (V.O.)
Steve Austin will be that man.
Testing his bionic arm, AUSTIN accidentally breaks a heavy table in half, causing a computer and other expensive electronic equipment to fall to the floor and crash. Austin looks at DR RUDY WELLS, slightly embarrassed.
AUSTIN
Whoops!
DR WELLS
You know, Colonel, every day you find a new way to make this project more expensive.
The dollar sign, “$,” flashes onscreen.
MONTAGE: different shots of AUSTIN in action situations, using his bionic eye, arm and legs to leap from moving vehicles and thwart gunmen trying to kill him. Between shots a price is shown onscreen which grows each time, starting with “$6,” then “$60,” then “$600,” etc.
OSCAR (V.O.)
Better than he was before.
MONTAGE continues, showing AUSTIN in increasingly more dangerous situations, including fighting another man wearing hi-tech battle armor, fighting off a group of sword-wielding assassins, etc., as the price continues to rise between the shots, to $6000,” $60,000,” “$600,000,” etc.
OSCAR (V.O.)
Better, stronger, faster.
As OSCAR says the final three words, the montage speeds up and shows AUSTIN in his most dangerous situations, ending with a leap off of a building toward an escaping helicopter as the final price fills the screen – $6,000,000,000. Block letters come down from the top of the screen and up from the bottom to form the title, ‘THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN,” as the theme song concludes. The title is then replaced with the words ” THIS SUMMER.
“Fantasy” is the key word in “fantasy trailer.”